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Oh Nokia, how I lust thee.

Posted on 2010.01.25 at 20:34

When I was fourteen years old all I could think about were mobile phones. I couldn’t concentrate, I would come home and I wouldn’t watch TV, I wouldn’t do my homework I would just sit in my room thinking about mobile phones. Is my mobile phone too small? Is it too big? Does the size of my mobile phone correlate to the size of my breasts? I must go out and buy a bigger, more spherical mobile phone. Maybe a new one in a flip-up format, or a slide-along format or the classic ‘brick’ format. I will get a new sim card and my hair will be shinier. I’ll just change to pay as you go and experience extreme elation and better eyebrows. Succulent technology. The car phone warehouse was my sex shop, my old fashioned sweet store. All those mouth watering buttons and dials, smooth and shiny and clean in pastel colours in white and black. I just want to put them in my mouth and feel them against my tongue, soft and sugary, I bet the motorola Moto Q space bar tastes like sugared almonds. I want to gorge on a blackberry, on an orange monthly contract, on a new apple mac. Seductively, futuristically cool, eluding shiny white coolness, intrinsically cool. “You will never be this cool” it whispers “you can try but you can’t”. Smiley. Wink face. Tongue sticking out wink face.

Now at seventeen I have grown. I have matured. I have spent ten pounds on a new phone and it calls and texts and nothing else. No mega pixel camera, no broadband, no facebook app. None of that hardcore, Class A material. Oh no, it’s only the soft stuff from now on for me. I'm on the straight and sober. Sometimes I’ll be on the tube and someone will whip out a new Samsung and a slightly thrill will run through me, a tiny blip of adrenaline but then I remind myself firmly: That isn’t what you need, that isn’t what you want. Everything you will ever need is right here in your hand. I glance down at my archaic black and white screen and dyslexic-friendly buttons and very, very nearly kid myself I’m right.  

Wub wub wub WUBB wub wubb wUBWUB wubb wub wubb Wub wub wub WUBB wub wubb wUBWUB wubb wub wubb Wub wub wub WUBB wub wubb wUBWUB WUBWUB 

“Judas have you seen my keys?” 

 wubb wub wubb Wub wub wub WUBB wub wubb wUBWUB wubb wub wubb Wub wub wub WUBB wub wubb wUBWUB wubb wub wubbbuw buw buw buw buw buw buw buw buw buw buw buw buw buw buw buw buw buw

dadadadadadmmmmmmmnnnnn kkkkkkkkkkkillllllllllllllaaaa arrrrrrrrr

Wub wub wub WUBB wub wubb wUBWUB wubb wub wubb Wub wub wub WUBB wub wubb wUBWUB wubb wub wubb Wub wub wub WUBB wub wubb

Apparently so, according to an commentator on a youtube video. Decide for youself HERE

Caffeine is my shepherd

Posted on 2010.01.09 at 11:46
Current Mood: awake


Today I feel that nothing is going to happen except bad things. Some days I feel like this. Some days I have a cup of tea and it goes away. Today is not one of those days. I have already had three cups of tea and it is not going away. I have also had two cups of coffee and I’m starting to get slightly on edge. Just now I screamed because I hit my space bar too hard and it made a really loud sound. When I went for work experience at a magazine, they were sponsored by this energy drink and had crates of the stuff lying around; they told me to ‘help myself’ because no-one really drank them. I ‘helped myself’ to the point where I hindered myself: I was so jittery and twitchy for the entire week and I finished everything I said with a creepy high pitched giggle. It really annoys me that some people don’t have any caffeine, at all, ever. I bet they wake up stoked.  

Writer's Block: Menu fixe fix

Posted on 2010.01.08 at 11:58
If you could choose only two foods to eat for the rest of your life, what would they be and why? How soon would you grow tired of them?

I would say sugar puffs but the thought of seeing the sugar puff monsters manic face 3 times a day would probably send me insane in a relatively short time span . Bread and cheese would make sense wouldn't it? If you could have any type of bread and any type of cheese then you wouldn't get bored really quickly because there are so many variations of both..

Pain, No Gain

Posted on 2010.01.07 at 12:02

I used to get really bad stomach aches, it felt like someone was standing on top of me wearing chain mail and thigh highs made of steel, I’m quite a wimp anyway and this sort of thing just pushed me over the edge so I’d cry and scream and occasionally pass out and there came a point when I just thought, this. has. to. stop. So they prescribed me some big yellow pills, big yellow pills which were essentially horse tranquilisers in a misleading, medical looking box. I dread having stomach aches now because I know I will experience the rest of the day entirely in slow motion. I took one today and it took me roughly ten minutes to put a piece of bread in the toaster. I was so disorientated I kept thinking I hadn’t had anything to eat at all when I’d already had three slices , so I kept going “Oh, I should probably have some toast now, I’m feeling pretty hungry”. I ate most of the loaf and then spent another ten minutes looking at the almost empty bag of Hovis in a state of near tearful confusion.


 I once accidently took double my prescribed dose before a sports lesson and we were doing running; I was moving along like a person walking down the street in a flick book, in a slightly jerky but nonetheless jaunty manner. I had to stop myself from physically picking up each leg and moving it a bit forward and then picking up the other one and moving that a bit forward. People were shouting “COME ON JENI, YOU CAN DO IT”. They were right. I did it, in my own sweet time. ‘My own sweet time’ was also ‘taking up most of the lesson and the following lunch hour time’. Still, I did it. Suckers.  


Posted on 2010.01.05 at 10:12
I really want to change the theme template on my blog. I can’t. All themes suck. There is no theme for me. I’m ‘worth it’. I should be able to find a theme template for me. At least the people that made them gave them all interesting names. I think I will name all my children after blog templates: Treba, Ambiru, Tarski. They all sound pretty cool. Either that or I’ll name them after elements of the periodic table. I think that I will name my first child, regardless of their gender, Phosphorus. Then the next one can be Tungsten.  Then I’ll really screw them over and give them really normal middle names like Steve and Emily.


Posted on 2009.12.28 at 16:06
Current Mood: blankblank
Current Music: Vaski- Release Her

Understand that today you will not be happy. Understand that you are here and that everyone else is not here. Understand that today you are almost completely alone in the world. Observe apathetically that it is half past one. Realise how dry and cracked your lips are. Sink further into self loathing at your inability to remember lip salve every single goddamn time you go into town. Attempt to cheer yourself up by making a large plate of pasta. Put pasta in a soup bowl instead of on a plate and feel smugly ‘continental’, consider chopsticks but realise that would be ‘going too far’. Feel better as you acknowledge your gift of being able to choose relevant music to suit any occasion. Listen to a dubstep song on youtube that sounds as if it were made by a paranoid schizophrenic living in a small quarry. Think ‘very apt’ and lie in foetal position on your bed looking at the window that you haven’t been able to open for two weeks now. Consider alternatives; breaking the glass of window, oiling the hinges of window, moving bed to other room where window opens easily. Cry. Make a cup of tea. Put on fresh pair of socks and look at the state of your nails. Ignore the state of your nails. Think ‘herbal remedies' . Open new word document on laptop and begin typing with your chin. Gghhgyuhjytuyr. Gthkjd. Sdkjgthn bhjkm,nmjf v bnnm n.bvmk, gmjk dc. Mnjf cvjh vbgnjfgbhn.